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MsLittleSister said:
After seeing my therapist for a couple of years I knew that different parts of me loved him in different ways. I was so embarrassed to be a therapy cliche but I'd promised myself when I committed to this process that I would be as honest as possible with him about my feelings.

I will never forget that session. It was raining and since I was struggling to put into words a lot of conflicting feelings, it was quiet a lot. So we could hear the rain coming down. I think I said I needed to confess something - and then said I didn't mean to...and then said I was mortified...and then said that I knew it was presumptuous...but among all the mixed up intense feelings I had for him there was love. Not just little kid attachment (which is very strong) but love in a deep, almost spiritual way. It was separate from the occasional erotic thoughts. It was special and fragile and I'd never felt like this about anyone. And I felt really bad because he was married and I was married - so it felt wrong and I was sure he heard it all the time from patients but still - it was hard for me...blah, blah, blah.

He finally stopped me and very gently said that he didn't hear this very often and it was very touching and flattering and he was honored by my feelings. He said this was the place were all feelings were Ok and we could talk about them and see what they meant.

I started to cry and he very quietly asked me what the tears were about. I said I had been so worried he'd be mad or disgusted. He shook his head. And then I said, "but it is still wrong." He shook his head again. "Why do you think your loving feelings for me are wrong?" It was raining really hard right then and I sort of whispered, "because you aren't mine to love." And he answered, "but I'm here. And in this space I am."

We've now worked together over 4 years and I still love him. It is a little hard to post this because I can see where people might get worried about boundaries, etc. Nothing unethical has ever happened in my therapy. But I hold this moment in my heart as evidence that I can really love someone and they won't use that love to hurt me with. It was an amazing moment.

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I think I love you for posting this, lol.

So beautiful. And so similar to the feelings I have towards my therapist. I think that for me, all the mixed up intense feelings and all the different parts of me needing him in different ways makes it really hard to find genuine love.