In reflecting the last week on relationships, mainly romantic but also heavily on all of the rest of my interpersonal ones, it occurs to me that I am clueless. I basically raised myself. This is no exaggeration. After being abandoned at 15 by a neglectful mother who was wrapped up in her own severe mental illness enough not to be an adequate physical provider for a child let alone an emotional or spiritual one, I went into foster care. And our foster parents, while they weren't abusive, and they provided for our physical needs adequately (though not abundantly), were not parents in the emotional or spiritual sense. They were caretakers/guardians. I turned out pretty well, considering, and I owe it to the fact that I was heavily involved in extracurriculars in high school (music, theater, advanced placement classes) and had a small but strong group of friends through these activities.

As an adult, I don't have the same safety net of people I did in high school. I'm not involved in the same things because time and my direction in life doesn't allow for it. (Don't ask why I'm not involved in music; it was actually my first major. It isn't practical for me to do it, I'm pretty busy with the career I've chosen, and there aren't that many outlets for an amateur musician such as myself besides the fact that it's an expensive and time-consuming hobby.) The point is, not that I'm wallowing in my past, but because of how I grew up, I don't have much emotional intelligence at all. I have good intentions, am someone who thinks she's doing right by people, but will then look back on my interactions and think, "Why did I say that? It came off so nasty!" It can be that I mean something in a joking, witty way and I don't have enough finesse to pull it off so it sounds mean. Or I just don't know how to be easy around people. Or I don't know how not to over-communicate, or I completely come off too standoffish and unfriendly. Like, I think people will just communicate what they need/want/don't want with me (because that's what I tend to do) when reality is that they are more likely to just walk away from and never speak to me again.

I wonder if I will always be this way? I don't know if this is something which can be fixed by reading books, or going to counseling. As I always say, years and years of therapy has barely made a dent in things for me. It's like we work on things, but there is a disconnect in what they're trying to help me figure out and what I actually can perceive and have stick in my brain and put into practice. Like, if you didn't learn those things and have them imprinted when your brain was still plastic (as a little child), maybe you don't have the capacity to comprehend them?

What are some of your thoughts?