I will try to make this short since I already wrote a long, abridged list of my issues last month. Maybe this belongs in the anxiety or compulsions topic, but I feel that my depression is the driver for all of this.

I have no real cause for it, but I am just a mess inside and feel overwhelmed a few times a day. I can usually deal with it since I have been depressed for 21 years but it just gets worse. It is a cycle of suck, really.

The only two real issues is I have to decide on ECT or not and dealing with a podiatrist that can't decide what is wrong with my feet. He bounces between neuropathy and a benign tumor. He is currently on the neuropathy side, which doesn't address my main complaint: a lumpy feeling in the balls of my feet; and put me on gabapentin without any neuro workup. That drug + remeron make me sleep a long time and have a drugged out feeling when I do wake. He doesn't even factor in my anxiety which causes shooting pain.

Both of these issues are making me anxious and I just obsess about it. I also obsess almost constantly about my teeth, I usually have 3-4 different strands of thought running in my head and my teeth are always one of them.

I am not in danger of losing them, but I floss almost constantly, leading to sore gums leading to me freaking out and clinching my jaw until everything aches, which leads to my chronic headaches getting worse, which leads to my mouth hurting even more. Well, you get the idea. I realize I sound like an idiot. Sometimes I sit for hours trying to get myself to brush because I am afraid it will make my teeth fall out. My teeth aren't perfect but I don't need to see a periodontist or need teeth pulled. There is simply no rationality behind this, yet it is a huge problem.

I am currently going through a review of my VA disability rating and they keep sending me paperwork to bring to old employers, more than 5 years ago. They don't even remember me, but it shouldn't be a big deal but even something small like this sends me into a tailspin.

My daughters tell me it isn't rational, and at least I can recognize it but apparently it isn't enough. There is lots more that spins through me but I think that draws a good picture of my current big issue.

It doesn't help that my MDD turned into MDD with psychotic features a year or so ago, maybe that is the root cause and Remeron + Geodon isn't working. Well, I know Remeron doesn't touch my depression, even my pdoc says so, I just take it because there is nothing left to try, has minimal side-effects and it is the only reason I sleep. 1.5 mg of Klonopin each day does nothing for this either. Maybe I just need to get off all meds.

I have so many worries, most imaginary, and I barely leave the house! I only go out when forced because I have this idea that because I am ugly people laugh at me, so I make trips as short as I can.

I have been depressed for so long that I am usually really good at handling it, in fact it often feels like a good friend. I was horrible at handling it the first 10 years, but it is pretty much a part of me now.

But lately, I just can't get a handle on it, all my depressed thoughts are running wild and amping up my anxiety. I can usually focus on doing things during the day, but these thoughts overrun any ability to concentrate on productive tasks. I am not sure if I have an actual question in all this blather that has any sort of answer or if I am really just ranting and wasting hard drive space on the server and your bandwidth. I recognize the problem and recognize that most of it is not rational, but I have zero insight into what to do to get a grip on things so I can go back to my relatively peaceful depression.