If anyone read the thread I posted here the other day, you'll know that I'm currently engaged to the love of my life.

Unfortunately I am not monogamous and I crush easily, so I'm falling for another guy right now.

I've crushed on one other guy since I've been with my boyfriend, but it's slowly slid out of view, thank goodness. Most of my crushes are purely based on sexual needs, and nothing else. I have very little romantic desires from other men. My fiancee is the only guy I want to be very intimate and romantic with.

So recently, I've been chatting a lot with a guy I met from Germany. He has a way of talking that I just love. We met through the same forum that my boyfriend and I met through, and he's even friends with my boyfriend and they play video games online together.

Anyways, more and more each day, I can feel myself liking Phil more and more. He's got great taste in music and is even a DJ and writes his own songs.

I have moments where I fantasize about talking about sex with him. I can't really do anything, since he's in Germany anyways. The thing that bothers me is the guilt I feel for thinking about it and checking my messages all the time hoping to hear from him.

Part of me wants a little romance with him, as well as sex talk. It's like I get high just thinking about him or talking to him. He's amazing.

It's like I have all this love in my heart that I want to give to everyone I know but I have to give it all to my boyfriend. I like that, and I love him, but I just want to give others a little bit of it. Not too much, but some.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend gets mad even when I joke about having sex or marrying another guy.

Anyways, I just wanted to vent here a little about how I'm feeling. I really hope that's okay, I know there's not much room for discussion. Maybe.

Also, one thing I should mention, is that whenever I get close to a person, I always start to freak out and think that they hate me. It's really weird. Like...as soon as I feel that I begin loving someone, I start believing that they hate me and that they're going to abandon me. I know it's weird, but it happens with everyone I love. Even my boyfriend who I've been with for a year now, sometimes I think he doesn't really love me and that he'll leave me. But I know in my heart that he won't. It's really complicated. I hope I was able to explain it okay.