You know the toughest part is the abandonment and lack of justification. I don't believe in any God so it's hard to rationalize the suffering when you're alone. It would be nice to wake and think I was going somewhere nice after all this crap - that ain't gonna happen. So I just keep falling and never landing. Someday I will just go blank and that might be a relief but I won't know. The problem is I'm really bitter and unimpressed with life. Yesterday somebody told me an acquaintance was pregnant and all I could think was good lord I hope the child doesn't follow my footsteps. As far as I can tell all of this is just the luck of the draw. If I hadn't been fighting social anxiety for the first part of life I probably would have been a much different person. So you spin and you crash and you spin and you crash and everything you lean upon disappears. Amen.