@englishdave
thanks for the response very much;

i dont ever really get drunk - or high... is just the matter of making things feel less - thats just it... feel less.. i mean i drink so much it might kill someone... or do other things that they may overdose... but for me my body is just like "you wont get out this ****ing easy"
cause it doesnt really help - and it does really seem to make things worse...
would really just like to stop... be healkthy... happy.... content... have a good life... and live for a long time....
i just dont know what else to do - since i was atleast 13 years old i started to try to deal with things like this...
i dont really enjoy anything... no alcohol.. i like the taste - but when i drink 20 + beers i start feeling like this isnt the right thing to do...
i dont enjoy getting blasted... but its just you know... i have a few minutes of peace... maybe like being dead for a few minutes and i inevitably come back...
i really dont like it... but i dont know how else to handle anything...
my nickname is loaded... i am just good at it... i get ****ed up and cant tell whats going on sometimes...
i want to stop... i want to make the life i thought i could have - maybe ....
just seem like im gone... its over.... there is no time left.... and i just need to make it hurt less...
dont like doing anything illegal...
dont like being different....
is just i cant be sober.... i cant do this.... im not normal....
i hurt so bad.... i dont brag about anything.... i dont tell people i drank 40 beers last night.... i dont say i did the drugs i did or try to look big or anything.... its all a secret self sabotage kind of thing... alot of people know i do smoke weed - but most people think thats my biggest problem....
the truth is i just will do anything... dont really care what it is... and it sounds so horrible.... but you know the truth is an ugly *****....

would like to be the IT tech that i wanted to be... have a family i dreamed of... someone that cared about me....
but as much as i want... is just something that seems so bloody impossible....
im a good looking guy... im smart... but im so ugly... and so retarded.... just cant stop this stupid cycle...
i hurt myself... take myself down more... cant get up... how can i make a future... how can anyone fall in love with someone like me...?
i talk like this here... but no one knows... no one knows how i feel... people cant know... people cant know my habbits... drugs... alcohol... harm.... you know....
no one can know me... im just not getting younger... dont know how i can fix any of it... just wanna make it stop you know... dont want more years like this...
just would like... i mean.. if i could have someone come into my life.... show me that maybe im not so ****ed up.... maybe someone can love me... maybe i could have a family... maybe this shits all in my head - which i know it is... jus i dunno what else do do....
i didnt want any of this... i just fellinto the wrong place... the wrong time.. maybe i have saved a lot of people lives while i doing what i do.... maybe is why i suffer so much... but is just not fair.... i didnt ask for anygthing.... the people i helped are happy.. sober... but is like i took on all the demons... is all in me,... im just spent...
cant you know... really dont know what to do... i want to stop ... just dont know whats the pointanymore....
sorry.... glad you are sober mate.... thanks for your comment....

what made you get sober...? did something change...?
i really dont want to live like this.... just cant kill myself....