Hello Missingoutonmylife; I see this is your first post... so... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I've had the problem you describe as far as telling my pdoc (& therapist too... when I had one) how I'm really doing. No matter how bad I felt, when I got into their offices I just couldn't do anything but smile & say everything's fine. Of course that's what I've always done with everyone else I've ever had in my life as well. So it just comes naturally. In fact, I doubt I'd know how to do differently.

One thing you could do, if you just can't bring yourself to verbalize how you're feeling is to write it down & take this with you to you appointment. Sometimes it's just easier to put one's thoughts down on paper when one is alone (assuming you ever get any alone time... but you know what I mean...)

I'm no longer on psych med's. I have been in the past. But they just never seemed to do that much good. And they always made me groggy. If you're on psych med's now, it's possible they are at least partly responsible for how you feel. I've never used marijuana. So I don't know what effect that has on a person. Personally I'm not convinced that psych med's really do that much good for those of us who have struggled with mental health issues throughout life.

This is probably pretty unrealisitic, but it sounds to me as though, to some extent, perhaps what you need most is a break. With your husband working 60 to 80 hours a week, you pretty-much have complete & total responsibility for keeping up your home & caring for your kids. If there were some way you could begin to get out on your own a bit, that might help, be it perhaps a part-time job, volunteer work, a support group, or something else... just to give you a break.

Another more clinical possibility might be to attend a partial hospital program. Something of this nature might be a good idea since you're having such a difficult time presently. Of course, you'd have to arrange for child care. But the opportunity to get out into the world on your own for a bit might be really helpful. I wish you well...