hi....
well, dont know where to start...
but i have always heavily self medicated... it helps - but its not a solution, it wont solve any problems.... need to try to find a good, a REALLLY GOOOD therapist... you can talk to... they will help so much - if you can have ag ood one... you can discuss whats going on... why things make you feel the way they do.. and talk about ways to handle those situations... how to face certain circumstances....
i believe in self medication - if done properly... is just that its rarely ever done in a good way... i know i dont do it good... i cant - i am in too much pain to be trusted self medicating... and i know it... just cant stop it... just try to control it as much as possible...
i know i dont handle myself well ... and i wish things could be differentl.... maybe things can get better one day - just need to keep trying until that day....

i smoke weed too, it helps so much... alot of people think that its just another drug that makes someone a drug addict... but its really not the same as other drugs in my opinion.... its so much safer than any pain pills... any anti-psychotics... or anti-depressants... it helps a great deal... to relieve pain, some of the anxiety... suffering... the only problem is that it doesn't solve anything.... it doesnt fix the reason why you want to do it in the first place... not a real solution you know... and i love weed so much - because its something that helps... so much.... if i smoke - i probably wont do other stupid things... if i dont have any way to smoke - my mind races and i end up doing stupid things that really do hurt me physically... self harm or whatever...

like you said you had these traumas... and these things cause alot of problems...
i have alot of traumas... but i know that with therapy - is the best thing... to try to work through those problems, because you can do it... you just need the propper profesionalhelp.... i want the help too - i am just not able to get a therapist at the moment... so just try say stay away from anything else... avoid alcohol... if you choose to smoke a little - try to do it in the right light... jus to take the edge off... because it cant fix it.. it wont you know... because iys psychological.... it help but cant fix it.... is just like a little nerve pill or pain pill to make it a little better for just a little time...
i know all about it....
i know how you feel... if you want to talk more about it just post more - or i can do a PM... is fine with me...

sorry you feel like you aredrowning... i know how drowning feels... as its one of my traumas...