Depression hits me in waves - coming and going. When it comes, I feel mentally submerged under dark, heavy water. I'm perpetually exhausted, no motivation, hardly even any emotions. Just laying in bed is all I want to do, all I can do.
Socialization is out of the question. If it's mandatory I can save face for a little while, but then I just get exhausted again and will barely be able to even talk. Having my boyfriend around lifts me up just the slightest, but I'm extremely temperamental and if he does one thing that I don't like, like not acknowledging something I did, I just become so upset with him and just start questioning our relationship and his committment to me over like, not saying thank you for throwing his napkin away. It seems so silly to me now but when I'm in that mindset, it's just.... everything is life or death or something.
I'm positive about nothing. Every setback I encounter is like a smack in my face saying you're a giant failure. My self-talk becomes self-hate and self-criticism because I dont deserve to be nice to myself.
When my depression hits, my soul recedes into its own corner for this dark grey cloud to crash in and consume me. Not only do I feel nothing, but my presence itself feels like I am nothing. It's not me anymore - or at least not the one that every one else knows.
When it goes away, I feel joy and lightness all inside of me, like a ball of energy and sun. I can laugh heartily and smile genuinely. I can makes jokes again and sing songs in the car.
The only positive I have found from having a depression like mine is that every day it is gone, I appreciate life so much and am so grateful for everything. I soak everything in and live every moment because tomorrow might be the day that dark, heavy wave comes back to drown me once again.