I totally understand. In my case I want someone to come rescue me, but once they do, I push them away and chase them off. The harder they try to connect and help the harder I try to escape the reality. I mistake there kindness for control.

Except for my T. She is the exception to that rule. She is trying to help me and I know she has no other motive except to help me and others like me. I can walk away at any time and never return but I don't. I don't know why she does it, or why she has devoted her life's work to helping others, I am jsut glad she does.

You sound so much like me. I have been married to my H for 22 years this coming June. I see now how lonely he must have been all this time. All he ever wanted to do was try to help. Then his efforts turned to abuse, and now I think he sees that it WAS abuse. We are currently separated. I jsut couldn't take it any more. All of life, every bit of it had become overwhelming. We are planning on reconciling if I can get my crap together and he can recognize his part in my abuse and walk away from that a changed man. Just another crazy day in the life of me.