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Originally Posted by Rose76
Letting go of the past can be awfully difficult. What you need to do is very, very clear . . . . but, no, it is not easy. I never said it was. It may take an enormous effort on your part. But there is nothing confusing about this, so - yes - it is very clear cut. You are deliberately making this complicated to give yourself an excuse to stay psychologically mired in this connection to this man. You look forward to your next conversation with him because that seems to make life more interesting for you.
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I get what you're saying and yeah I guess I do look forward to the next time I hear from him, because it makes me feel wanted and that I'm not forgotten. I hope and pray that things aren't going so well in his new relationship and that I'll come out on top and if that makes me a bad person then I'm guilty.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
If you are willing to hang around, still participating in what you know very well is a sick relationship, then that is exactly what you do deserve. And it's what you'll get. Stop blaming him for messing with your head, when you give him complete access to your head. There are rules to how life works. I didn't make up those rules, and I'm not being mean by telling you about the rules. The rule is that, if you waste your time and attention on something that is foolish, then that is what you will get - something that is foolish.
We try and preserve what we value. You value your connection with this man, so you are preserving it. Your life is simply reflecting your values, and it always will.
I can't promise you that life gives us what we deserve. I won't guarantee that love and happiness come to us, if we do such and such. But we can sure sabotage the opportunities that might come our way, if we keep ourselves busy with what we know is crap. Life can be pretty generous about offering second chances. But we have to be alert and available when opportunity knocks. You may think there is no longterm cost to investing more of your time and attention in going down this dead end road. I promise you there is a cost to doing that. And it's higher than you realize.
Here's a truth that is not easy to accept. Life does not reward with good things those who waste their time and energies. Breaking a bad habit that has become an obsession and a compulsion is truly not easy. I totally get that. But failing to make that break has consequences. They are hard consequences. You will be the one who has to live with them.
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You are totally right and it is hard to hear and I must sound pathetic - the truth hurts I guess. I don't even think that it's him that I want anymore, as I've seen other guys since, but I think it's more what he represented; a chance to live the dream of a loving relationship and evidence that I'm "normal" I've always felt (mainly due to childhood issues, which is another topic entirely) that I'm not "normal" (my family labelled me with having Aspergers and doctors said I was mildly autistic as a child) and therefore, that I'm not capable of withstanding a loving relationship. I've put up with stuff from this ex in the past that I shouldn't have done, but it was because I was so scared that I couldn't do any better and this was my last chance of love. Seeing him getting married, just proves to me that it was me all along - I was the problem.
I do really feel that he is a narcissist and many of his friends and even family have told me in the past that they've seen him do the same thing to woman after woman. That due to deep routed issues that stem from his childhood meant he could never get close and when he does, he runs. He lost his license due to drink driving and subsequently his job when he was with me and that sent him into a very low point and he shut me off as a result. I knew when he told me that he had lost his job that it would be over for us - I didn't stand a chance. He has never been able to hold down a job, a compulsive liar, cheat and drinks way too much (his mum and dad were both alcoholics and he lost his mum at 12 years old) and I guess I always hoped I would be the one to change him and be enough to want him to change for himself. However, now it looks like he has changed and his fiancé was obviously the better one to do it.
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