I felt like the world was at my feet, 18-19, having just completed high school with stellar grades, I had been accepted into my first preference for uni & had superseded all expectations. I was coming into myself for a second time in my life. I was a gleaming example of intelligence, I had graduated 4th in my year with seemingly little struggle on my behalf & to the shock of most my teachers. I attended every 18th birthday, drinking myself to embarrassment & loving every second of it. I worked hard on school nights writing essays, I cooked my own lunch & dinners. I had drive, I knew I was destined for greatness. I would place a sign on my door the day I became Nurse Unit Manager, "this is Sparta," with a little stick figure kicking another stick figure into a hole. I remember my school days with painful nostalgia now.

School ended & with that I expanded my social group. I flitted between them as I pleased. I had too many one night stands, but I felt so alive, no longer gripped by shame the morning after like I did when I was younger. I was proud of my sexuality & would tell any who would hear it. I felt powerful, sexy. I fell in with a "dangerous" crowd & started using drugs.

I felt like I had discovered a whole new world right in my backyard. The years I should have spent travelling I spent doing drugs, convinced that I had found the perfect balance. I could go to uni after a weekday night out in the city on no sleep & still fried & still think I was smarter & more capable than the majority of the other students. I gladly told of my pursuits to my new uni friends of whom I got along with ease. I felt dangerous. But I still got to return to my comfortable life at home with a warm bed, hot food & silence to recover from the escapades. I was so sure of myself & the fact that I was different, special & awesome & I would outdo everyone whilst seemingly partying the years away. Before exams I would stay awake for nights on end studying with occasional power naps & then get HDs in things like anatomy & physiology without even knowing how. I loved my life. It was perfect. I had become someone I loved & that confidence projected everywhere. Throw in 3 years of meth abuse, & eventually a dx of bipolar & I'm decidedly less excited by life these days.

Sorry for this ridiculously long reply to a simple question.