I'm so tired that I don't even have the energy to do any damage to myself -- which to most would be a good thing but to me means I'm pretty far gone.

I'm tired of being stupid. I'm tired of being stabbed in the back by people I expected to be able to trust. I'm tired of twice-daily panic attacks triggered simply by showing up to work. Most of all, I am sick and tired to death of NO ONE UNDERSTANDING. I try so hard to give people an idea of what I go through, and sometimes they make sympathetic noises and pat me on the head, and always they don't understand.

My sister who has worked with mentally ill people for 25 years just told me to stay out of the hospital because it's bad for my career (like I have one). My boss, who I've worked on educating for two solid years, reads me the riot act for f'ing up at work and has shown zero compassion toward me. The more I screw up, the worse I feel, and the worse I feel, the more I get panicky, and it never stinking ends. And I'm tired of it. And I'm pissed off at the people who helped contribute to my craziness, and I'm pissed off I can't f'ing fix it and I'm pissed off that I'm going to be stuck this way forever. Living this way gets old. Real old.

I want off the nutjob merry-go-round. I'm sick of meds and pdocs and therapists. I'm sick of trying so hard to make things work when for all anybody else gives a damn, I'm invisible. I'm sick of not getting credit for at least showing up and trying, in spite of perpetually feeling like crap.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Somebody please tell me how to fix me.

</rant>

Candy