The combination of chronic boredom & anxiety is a torturous one. I'm driven to find some kind of pleasure but can't find any satisfaction. Nothing seems interesting, I'm driven mad by the incessant racing thoughts, all negative in nature, I become desperate to find reprieve. I need an outlet. Need to enjoy something again, feel excitement. & anxiety stands in the way. The more desperate I become to quell the growing sense of agitation the more impulsive I become. Now the distraction MUST be self destructive. But the agoraphobic kind of anxiety keeps me in my comfort zone, I'm too uncomfortable to leave the house, I just pace, shake my leg, bite my nails, unable to relax. Now I want to skull a bottle of vodka & go running screaming down the street just so someone will notice, will realise that I'm burning inside. Alas I continue to sit alone in my house, paralysed by anxiety but desperate to escape, smoking to try to fall to sleep.

Ive gone round & round in my head for 2 years now trying to figure out a way to help myself.