Also I_don't_matter I believe you DO matter. I right now feel that that THAT doesn't matter. I know I have a lot of people who matter and would miss me and my contributions if I were gone. But they don't get that I am sometimes in SO MUCH CONSTANT PAIN that that does not help me at all... I don't care about relieving their suffering if I were to be gone when *I* am in so much suffering RIGHT NOW. If they want me to respect their potential grief why can't they respect my CURRENT PAIN? But I am hanging on FOR MYSELF and trying to find some way to survive. I know there is a piece of me that can (and hopefully will again) enjoy their company so I'm hanging on to that thread of hope and actively seeking help.

Hope you can hang on too... We are here.