Something's gone haywire in therapy. Not sure if it's me, the relationship or what but I'm confused and exhausted.
As some of you may know a couple of weeks ago my first therapist made unsolicited contact with me. Since then I've been feeling quite emotionally sensitive and in last week's session I got quite angry with my current T for not seeming to understand that I just needed him to be be alongside me and validate my feelings rather than intellectualise.
At the beginning of today's session, all seemed to be going well, we talked about last session, me feeling able to express anger, him handling it well, him realising that he hadn't heard what I needed etc. All seems fine so far...
Then I started talking about things that happened in therapy with T1 a little bit and paused. T asked why I paused and I said I thought maybe I was deviating and I should spend more time processing what happened last session. Then it all started getting weird.
T1 said he sometimes wondered whether it was worthwhile talking about T1, or whether it was a cul de sac. I said "would it be worthwhile talking about a family member in a similar situation"? and he said it would, I asked whether he was uncomfortable about it because he is a therapist, and he said maybe.
From this point onwards my memory has lots of blanks. I remember him saying "I don't consider myself a member of your family" and I said "I never said you were, and I never said T1 was, I just think the strength of feeling for T1 is similar to a family member" (but I don't remember why he said that).
I also remember him saying something to me and I don't remember what he said, but my vision was going weird and white, which is something that's happened to me before but not often. I also remember saying something (about T1 I think but can't remember) and him staring at me blankly. I then started feeling that he didn't get it, and I told him that he didn't get it.
He asked me to explain what it was he didn't get, but I couldn't explain because I couldn't remember what had been said. He looked confused and I was confused too.
Then as I left I suddenly felt really clear-headed and happy. I wanted to laugh. It was so weird and I really don't understand it. I do sometimes have memory blanks when I argue with H but this seemed really unsettling and odd for both of us.
Has anyone ever experienced anything like this, or have any insight? I had wondered about dissociation but T didn't seem aware that I hadn't been present, and I don't have a history of dissociation, so I don't know.