Jealousy... Hmm...

I might have been a little jealous of his kid... Not sure is 'jealous' is the word... I think I was a little anxious. Anxious that he was being / would be so preoccupied with his kid that he would forget all about me :-(

I don't think I'm jealous of his other clients... That probably has a lot to do with the fact that his other clients (that I've seen) are much older. Elderly, really. I guess he sees people in the community... But I think he prescribes them medications rather than offering them therapy. Or... I like to think so at any rate ;-)

I think... That part of my not feeling jealous might be about... The fact that he could have referred me on to community mental health services but that instead he offered to see me in his private practice for a minimal fee. So... I guess I do feel a bit special. I don't expect he does that for everyone :-) I also suppose... That I feel a bit special because I could see that he DID look kind of interested / excited that I might be DID and he said he had had a couple of other clients with that in the past... And so I figure I'm his only case like that at the moment. And it is something that he is interested in so I feel a little bit special there too... And... He said he would see me at 8am (which is outside normal working hours). And... He is seeing me more frequently than his other clients (who are mostly seeing him for medication). And... He seemed interested that I was a PhD student in philosophy too (and he said 'oh, xxx is a great place to do philosophy because of yyy' and yyy is one of my supervisors). In fact... I worried a lot initially that this might be unhealthy... He has been reassuring me by going on about how he does this for other people etc etc etc - but I know that he doesn't really... He is very careful with boundaries though (I think) and so I really do think that it is okay.

So... I guess jealousy isn't really an issue... Though... I guess I do know that he doesn't think about me as much as I think about him :-( And he did seem to get all excited about his wife having a baby (as he should have) and stuff... And I felt a little bit neglected... But basically... I think that is going alright, yeah.

But that being said... I still feel embarrassed about this erotic attachment stuff. Couldn't tell him! Well... Not in person anyway...

:-(