Quote:
Originally Posted by TrailRunner14
Not really sure what to say, except it's really been a hard day!!!
I've tried to connect with the part of me that makes my hands and feet feel like electricity. There is this overwhelming feeling that "I've done something wrong!" I can't get past that! It has taken me way. I'm walking through this night like I'm watching someone else do it. My family keeps asking me if I'm ok. YES!! I'm fine!!! I want to scream that at them! I don't .
I've been married for 28 years. I've never felt so apart from him. He says that he wants to understand, but he doesn't have the capacity. I've tried to talk to him about what I remember and what I don't. He just feels like I'm blaming him and I get the angry response, which just sends me further away. It seems like a no win.
I want to get in my car, by myself, and drive until it runs out of gas. I don't really care where that winds up being. I think that may be anger. Not really sure.
Thank you for hearing me!!!
|
Hello.
As someone who dissociates talking to others about it is extremely difficult. I dont think there is another condition that is so isolating. the expereinces you have are so deeply refective or what you ahve expereinced that its naturally ahrd for someone else to relate. I truly feel for you and hope that tomorrow is a better day.
I think I also understand about your situation with your husband. Relationships are based on honest communication and I do honestly beleive that there are some things- DID being one- that are very hard for non DID people to understand. I also think there is the element of fear involved since the idea that life can be so cruel is truly a scary one. There is also the fact of feeling so out of control about being able to help the one you love. Your husband likely feels that as well. Do you think his anger or saying you are blaming him might be his way of defending himself against his own feelings of helplessness? Maybe he blames himself because he loves you and still he doesnt know what to do or how to make thigns better for you?
Running away is a feeling I have had when I get overwhelmed and feel unsupported. But then theres the question ; what am I running to? If Im just running away with no plans in hand, then maybe what I really need is a vacation.
As far as the getting in touch with the part of you that feels electricty in your hands and feet along with the overwhelming feeling youve done soemthing wrong: maybe you should talk to your therapist about this. Have you ever used hypnosis? I cant help but wonder if you werent punished as a little person in some way that your body still remembers. Body memory is real. Our bodies remember but sometimes our minds forget. Could there be some traumatic thing that happened to you as a little child in which you were either punished or made to feel guilty for something you did and that what your experinced via this punishment mae your ahnds and feet fell like electircity was going through them?
these are just some thoughts I have.
I hope your next day is a much much better one. Take care.