I am really going to try not to call tomorrow. Maybe I can just be okay for a little while, with the knowledge that he has returned.

I honestly cannot pinpoint a feeling right now. During the first week that he was gone, I was a mess. The last couple of days I have felt........ nothing. Well, there has been some excitement at his return, but it hasn't hurt like it did that first week.

You know, after I read Sister's post on what her separation from her T meant to her, I really struggled to figure what I took away from my separation. Apart from learning even more about the different parts of my personality and how they exist separately, not yet integrated-- I learned what it is like to feel without anger. For some reason, I have not been angry with him. I know that might sound strange to some, but anger is a very familiar emotion to me, one that often dominates my feelings towards him. Anger covers up a lot of unfavorable feelings so that I don't have to deal with them. During his absence I felt no anger towards him. But I had to feel everything else including the ambivalence that I'm dealing with now. Being such an emotionally extreme person, the nothingness is very hard to handle... I have to figure out what all of it means because in the absence of anger, it's there. I mean, I label it as nothing or as ambivalent, but it has to be something.... something is under there. I'm sort of scared to walk in there on Friday because honesty I just wanna fall into his arms. And stay there. Safe.