I maybe should have chimed in earlier but wasn't sure if you could hear what i might have to say. Having followed this thread down I am hopeful that I can say something helpful.

I have had weird reactions to sex and people in general as long as I could remember. I had awful dreams about being raped. I was promisous in some ways and uptight in others. I went into therapy because I was depressed and struggling with issues from my mother's abuse. I didn't recall anything but the most innocuous memories of my foster father telling what the sex organs were, I did have a vague memory of seeing him naked. I was in this home for several years -- until just before my fifth birthday.

In therapy, I found it safe to explore memories and dreams and feelings. It took a while but I have recovered memories of being sexually abused by him. It has been awful - disgusting - terrifying, but in the long run freeing. I have my emotions back and am recovering my sexuality. I am learning to like myself and trust my feelings. I have a way to go yet, but I am on my way. Be patient with yourself and with the process. Find a therapist you can trust, your mind has been protecting you so far but it sounds like you are about ready to deal with some issues. Maybe you will uncover more than you imagine maybe not. But you can do whatever it is you need to do.

dalila

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher