Quote:
Originally Posted by Echos Myron
From this point onwards my memory has lots of blanks. [...]
I also remember him saying something to me and I don't remember what he said, but my vision was going weird and white, which is something that's happened to me before but not often. I also remember saying something (about T1 I think but can't remember) and him staring at me blankly. I then started feeling that he didn't get it, and I told him that he didn't get it.
He asked me to explain what it was he didn't get, but I couldn't explain because I couldn't remember what had been said. He looked confused and I was confused too.
Then as I left I suddenly felt really clear-headed and happy. I wanted to laugh. It was so weird and I really don't understand it. I do sometimes have memory blanks when I argue with H but this seemed really unsettling and odd for both of us.
Has anyone ever experienced anything like this, or have any insight? I had wondered about dissociation but T didn't seem aware that I hadn't been present, and I don't have a history of dissociation, so I don't know.
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Echos,
it seems to me that you were somewhat overwhelmed, so you involuntarily "checked out" ie you weren't fully present. Happened to me (and still happens) when T and I started to talk about difficult stuff. T explained to me that this is some form of dissociation. Not talking DID here, but if you think of dissociation as some sort of continuum from simple daydreaming to DID - this is somewhere in between.
Kind of a defense mechanism when things get too difficult to handle. Trouble is that it's not always really helpful, not remembering important conversations can kind of backfire...
I know I started doing this as a kid, because I was overwhelmed, couldn't process what was going on, on an emotional but also on a cognitive level. So not registering things was probably one of the few ways I could take care of myself.
It's scary when it happens. I sometimes can't hear what people are saying, or I get a really loud beeping noise in my ears, or my eyes can't focus properly. It never lasts very long, and by now both T and I start noticing early signs so I can do something about it (like grounding exercises etc.).
Also, it happens to me when I'm in a coflict/discussion that I can't avoid. Just having someone argue against my own perspective sometimes feels so threatening, that my psyche somehow decides that it's too dangerous to stay present...
Hope you and your T manage to figure out what happened and why.
Hugs, c_r