Thanks for all you have written here. Means a great deal. I am at a not so good point tonight. I blew a ton of money. (but I don't really want to go there right now).

No Planning, you did not upset me. I just wanted to respond. I did not think you were being mean or anything. I am the one who wants to run away, just my mind frame. I feel bad if I upset you planning and I am Sorry!!!!!

Well, 5 tests and they all came out positive. My bf wants to pretend like this is not happening. I try to talk and he goes on about something else. I understand he is going through a great deal as well. This last week, he is acting strange and I can't figure it out. I talked to him today, begged him to talk to me. It ended up in a fight. He is soooo bad for interupting others, not listening when people are talking etc. Its been really ticking me off and my kids too. And since I have known him, he is kind of an attention seeker. Not to be mean but put it this way; if I have a cold, he has a cold. If my son has a headache, he has one too. And so on.......... just constant. I am sure if he could, he would say he is physically pregnant too. lolol. Really though.

I have been thinking so much. I have a migraine big time. I think with what happened today ($) I am really beating myself up. We could not afford a blunder like this. And I am supposed to start this job tomorrow. I am really not sure that this was the best idea. Got any suggestions here???? PLEASE.

You should see my hands. They are cracked, bloody, and soooo painful. They are so swollen, if you saw my hands first, you would think I am twice my size. Ouchies, its burning. And I did SI last night. Damn, flipping, I hate myself. I mean look at me. frick. sry. So angry right now.

I went to my doctor's today, as I was supposed to. He got caught up out of town and will be in tomorrow. Which is another thing. He is at the office in the morning. I am so lost, what do I do with all of this. A new job, totally depressed (to the point of thinking not so good; plan wise), pregnant, eating dis. Which is not so great either. I have the thoughts back which are so strong; starvation mode. Then with the little money I had left, laxatives.

I know I have options. I am having a hard time with choosing whats best. I know there are too many risks and health wise is not such a good idea. Really, if I were to keep our baby, what damage am I doing for this little one?? And with my body being so out of whack, can this stay a problem, I mean how long to clear this mess out of the system???

I am sorry, these questions you all can't answer, just trying to get this mess out of my silly brain.

I know you can't turn off your caring and concern. I didn't mean to sound that way. I did not think anyone could thats in this forum and have been here for me from the start. I can't turn it off either. I kind of felt like maybe this was not a right choice to bring this issue up in here, don't want to trigger any emotions.

Ozzie, I thought about what you said, "its not the end of the world." Of course not but right now it feels like the end of mine. I can take myself down but not everyone else; thats for sure. lolol. Thanks Ozzie, this is very true. I know it, just don't feel it.

Love,

Justy- If anyone reads this tonight; could I have some advice about what I should do tomorrow. Just some thoughts if possible?