I'm not sure if I should tell my T about my feelings and thoughts involving her. She knows a bit. She knows I want her as my T and that I don't want another T. She knows I'm a bit angry that she's going on maternity leave and I have to see another T.
But about some feelings I haven't told her. I don't know if she maybe suspects some.
I envy her. She's beautiful and smart and funny. She has a good education and job. She has a boyfriend. She has a beautful, adorable daughter (I looked T up on facebook) and she's getting another daughter. I think she has a good life and is happy with her life.
I don't want to be a T and I'm not sure if I want kids. If I do want a kid, then I want a daughter. But I don't want to be pregnant. Pregnancy looks horrible to me. I think that belly from T looks disgusting. I can't look at her. I think pregnancy could be the death of me, so it's not that I'm jealous she's pregnant.
I want to be something more to her. I don't want to be friends. I want her to stay my T. But I don't want to be just another client. It hurts. I want to know more about her. About her life, her interesses, her family.
I know what therapy is and that what I want is probably not possible. I've been in therapy so often, but I haven't felt this about a T before.
I want to know what she really thinks of me. Something real. Not that therapeutic ********.
And I want a hug. I so want a hug. Just a short one. I want to know how it feels.
But most of all, I don't want to feel any of this. But it won't get less.
It's been like this for over a year, since I started seeing her again.

At the end of the month she wil go one leave. For 5 months! 5 very long months. I'll get another T. I'm now having sessions with my T and new T, to help me with the transition.
T says she will be back. But I don't really believe that until I'll see her again after those 5 months. She can say now she will be back, but she can change her mind. She has to give two months notice, so.

I don't know if I should tell her about this before she leaves? Or should I wait until she's gone and talk to that new T about all this? So far, I'm not really liking new T.