Wow. I could have written this.

Terrified of my ambivalence toward my own safety and life. That feeling of panic like before you give a speech or do something scary constantly over the past month,?but no cause for it other than my fear of myself and that I don't want to get better more than I want to . Trying to make my small supply of ativan last so that I can get through the worst times.

Just so so so so scared I will not be okay. Scared I don't *want* to be.