I wrote this before my session. Today I had a session with T and new T. I couldn't look at both of them. They asked about it. Eventually I told them about T and her belly. So they know this now.

There are so many feelings/thoughts.

After todays session, I thought that maybe new T isn't as horrible as I thought after the first time I met her. And I hate that I think this. I want to not like her. I don't want to think she's alright. I want to be mad at her, I want to act mad at her and I want to leave her.

And T; I'm so mad she's leaving me for 5 months. I hate her for that. I want to yell at her. I want to be mad at her. But she so nice and patience and understanding. I can't express my anger to her. I'm just hurting so much. It hurts so much.
I hate therapy. It's never good for you. Good or bad T, eventually it's all bad for you.

I don't feel like talking to either of them about my ''things''. I feel it's useless to talk to T about whatever is going on. I don't want to talk about upcoming exams or college which starts somewhere in August. I don't want to talk about it to her, because she won't be there when those things are.
And new/replacement T; she's only there for 5 months. Why would I try to get used to her, to talk to her. Why would I try to trust her.
I need to improve. Not just get used to a new T. T said that that would be a good goal alone, because of my experiences with previous T's and because of the social anxiety.
But I'm probably starting college in August. And that's something huge. School has always been my biggest anxiety. I've failed so many times. I can't fail that again. It's the first time I'm starting college. I need it to get a life. College is where you meet new friends and you learn new things. Hopefully you will graduate after 4 years and then get a job.
My T knows all about my anxieties and thoughts for school. She knows how it works in my mind. And know she won't be there for me when college starts. I don't know who will. T will be gone until somewhere in August. I think the end of August, but I don't have a date yet. And when she will be back, she will have missed a lot of important things.

Therapy with either of them feels useless now.