Basically. But I don't have any preverbal memories that would suggest abuse, which is a relief, actually. My mom did mention a period at an old daycare that I used to go to (she and Dad took me out when I kept catching illnesses from the other kids) where...I'm trying to recall what she said exactly, but she said that there was one woman who was impatient about me (as a one year old, I believe) being unable to eat on my own. I think (emphasis on "I think" -- I'm trying to recall the story from memory) the woman actually advocated just leaving me there until I learned to do it myself. (Don't know if that qualifies as abuse or not, but it is a pretty unfair way to treat a baby.) I was actually put back in the infants' room where...well, let's say babies cry a lot, I'm very sensitive to noise, so you can imagine that I wasn't exactly a happy camper. Mom and Dad took me out of the daycare center mostly because I kept getting sick.

I admit that hearing the story...I actually thought it was a bit unfair, because honestly, if I were that woman, I would have helped that baby (the woman seemed to think if I didn't learn it by myself, I wouldn't learn it at all. Fortunately, I did get the hang of it). I guess it's a bit weird that I don't have any memory of that event, but then again, people don't code memories between 1-3, so...maybe it's not abnormal. *Shrugs*

And there's a lot of anxiety there, yeah, about my past. What I'll find. Doesn't help that my aunt thinks that I'm stuck in a rut which...I guess I'm a bit too hypervigilant right now. Ever since that flash hit me, it's like I'm too sensitive to being touched by family members, I'm worried about what else I'll find, and I just feel...mad a lot. I guess in a way, I'm almost dependent on staying mad and can't find a way to not depend so much on my anger. I think ever since third grade, actually, anger's been...well, one heck of a motivator, actually. And I'm worried about what's going to happen when I actually let go of my anger. (People in my family keep telling me to let it go, that nothing bad happened to me...honestly? I wish I could believe them. :/) Whether it's for myself or others, anger's been a pretty dominant emotion. (I just wonder if there's a way to integrate it more constructively? Sort of like my shadow) I'm thinking I got my temper from my dad, because he has issues with his anger as well (which he's admitted to sort of struggling with daily).

And considering the additional symbolism of the baby representing a new me, mentioned in earlier threads, I think it might also be my fear of how others will accept the new me. My aunt did mention she misses the old, happier me (because I was pretty happy before this happened). Honestly, most I'm doing is trying to cope, put myself back together, get my memories back so I can at least make sense of real vs. not real.

And thanks! Honestly, it's just a matter of taking what I've been told and analyzing it a little. And then there are just those "Aha!" moments that show how things fit into place.

Yeah, I can imagine that would be a pain in the butt. Maybe for the night I could try something else -- meditation, etc. And the controlling the experiment thing makes sense. Out of curiosity, what is lucid dreaming? I've heard of the concept, but I admit I don't know what it is. (I hope this doesn't sound like a silly question)