Hi TrailRunner.

I was thinking about what you said about little girls looking for the same kind of relationship they had with there dad when they look for a mate. I recently bought a book called "The Betrayal Bond." It is a book about why we stay in toxic relationships and why we go from one toxic relationship to anther toxic relationship. Ex. An abusive father, to a abusive relationship or two, to a abusive marriage. I didn't realize my H was so much like my dad until I left my H for a temporary separation and I went to live with my mom and dad. (me and my two kids moved in with my parents) I saw my dad do so many things that were so wrong to my mom. My mom even told me, "I know what abuse is, and this is abuse" when my dad was mean to her. It become so much more clear as an adult that I married a man jsut like my dad. Sinical, purposeful with his words, and hurtful on purpose, and very controlling. I guess as a kid I jsut didn't realize it. I was a kid ya know, it was all that I knew.

Much like you, my H had no idea of my up bringing. 2 years ago, I alluded to the fact that I may have been sexually abused by some of my male relatives. Only a year earlier (after we had been married for 18 years) I told my H that I was brainwashed and groomed for a premeditated form of abuse. I was lured into rape and I was raped every weekend for 9 months. I didn't walk away because of the grooming and brain washing that had taken place. I was 15 at the time of the rape. My H had no idea. I couldn't tell him, for a long time I hid it from myself as well as him. But when the time came it really came and hit me hard. OK. sorry I am getting off subject. I remember the subject now, my H had no idea I had the past that I did. He had no idea of my family's issues.

My H has OCD, and may even have aspergers. (an autism spectrum disorder) I have a highly sensitive personality (HSP) Sor for me many things are x 10 or x100. Like the radio being on 5 sounds like it is on 20 to me somedays. Clothes that are not soft feel like wool to me, very scratchy. When my H raises his voice it sounds like he is yelling at me. When he shows an angry body language I automatically see and fear physical harm. Part of that is the PTSD and hypervigilance due to the PTSD. It is very hard for me to gage what is real and what is perceived. I was yelled at alot as a kid, my dad yelled at my mom alot as a kid, I lived with my grandma for a short time and my uncle drink heavily and beat my grandma. I was witness to lots of yelling and screaming and out of control emotions. I simply cannot be yelled at. I can;t be spoken to harshly.

I have learned a lot in T though. My H has learned to stay across the room from me when we discuss things that are tence. He has learned to set in the floor and let me sit in a chair or on the bed. That puts me at a height advantage and I feel less threatened.

He has learned not to block the doorway. He has learned what ever you do, GOD what ever you do don't touch me if the environment is hostile. I find it an immediate threat and think it is my abuser.

I am so glad you found this site. I hope it will be as helpful to you as it has to me. And you are right about saying it, it really is freeing to speak the truth.