yes, i want full integration. i'm not ready for it yet, to be sure, but it is certainly something that i'm working towards, and i hope that it happens for me in my lifetime :-)

what does integration mean to me?

well... everyone is fragmented to a certain extent. people have different 'roles' so they behave a little differently depending on whether they are visiting their grandma, or hanging with their mates in the pub, or playing with their kids. people have a certain amount of inconsistency in their ideals compared with their action and so forth. a certain amount of fragmentation is normal and i just want to be... more integrated then i am at present.

i want one state to have fuller awareness of the other states so i can better co-ordinate my desires. figure out that part of me wants this and another part wants that and another part wants the next thing... figure out a way of integrating all those desires to i'm able to co-ordinate action that is more likely to achieve my (more things considered) ends. i want one state to have fuller awareness of the other states so knowledge can be shared between my different roles. i don't want to be triggered into a state that isn't able to access the knowledge to be able to deal with the situation.

i don't want to feel ashamed or embarrassed about parts of me. i want to come to accept each aspect for its strengths and its positive contribution and use that to help check some of the weaknesses and negative contributions of others. i want to be able to take fuller responsibility (and have fuller 'free choice') for my actions. i want to remember things i've done and i want to know where i am so that i can better decide what to do (so i stop doing some of the thing that i wouldn't do more things considered).

will it be lonely? i don't think so. i think that it is normal to have 'conversations in your head'. i think that people are fragmented to a certain extent and that they process things by thinking in conversations. sometimes imagining talking to external people... sometimes imagining talking to internal people. i don't see why i can't continue to do that. doing that is an important part of self-soothing, i think, and it is a strategy that most people employ.

to me... integration is about being more flexible and responsive to both different aspects of myself and different aspects of my environment. it is about being... or working towards being... psychologically healthy.

it is a process, i think. people who aren't DID... often work towards less fragmentation / more integration too.