A 32 year marriage on paper doesn't make it anything more than that when there is no partnership in my mind. It is a marriage that shouldn't have been in the first place....looking back, I should have gone with my gut feelings & not have been talked into it at the beginning. I think I was never cut out to be married. I never had the caring personality nor did I ever want to be a mother.......so basically, neither of us was cut out to be in this relationship. He needed a wife that would take care of him & believe every word he said without questioning him or telling him he was full of it when he was. I needed a partner in the 100% area who was willing to share everything all the work & all the fun. I needed a person who would let me be me & I wanted a person who could be himself while letting me be me. That was my idea of a partnership & I explained what I needed before I got married. I was completely open about my needs & hoped that my explaination would be understood & if not possible, then we would discuss it & not end up getting married. That didn't happen, & the marriage wasn't what I needed.

The fights got bad & I was angry because after awhile, I was told that he thought I would change & that I didn't mean what I said before getting married. He hadn't grown up in a family like that, so he didn't understand....I didn't grow up in a family like that either, but I knew that was what I needed so that I could be the person I knew I wanted to be for myself

It took years, but finally, the past 12 years we have been completely separated even though we have been under the same roof...I finally became so unhappy with the marriage that I couldn't stand being married to him anymore & it seemed unfair to use the marriage for anything at all if I was that unhappy.

Unfortunately until now, there hasn't been the right time to end the marriage & leave to become the person I lost when I got married. The marriage only stayed together because of the things we could afford by putting both our incomes together when we had a career. Then the house couldn't sell for what we owed on it & there was no where for me to go & he couldn't afford it on his salary alone either. Then there were times when I was ill both pysically & mentally. The rough time when I was dealing with the horrible trauma I went through with my Mothers death. Then came his times for problems. There were many times where we could have come together, but it never happened....just got worse & only reinforced all the feelings I have had about the marriage

It's sad, but there isn't one thing I am going to miss when I walk away after all these years. I wanted someone I could share life with the things I enjoy, the good times, the bad.....but the key word is share & partnership. For me, without that, there is no marriage & I can't be emotionally available when I feel that way about the marriage.....because in my mind a marriage has to be both or it is nothing.

Just my thoughts on the subject,
Debbie