Awww, CandyBear, I know these feelings all too well. And I don't know how to help. I want so much to help you with the pain, because I know how all encompassing and devastating it is.

I've also working in situations like the one you are in right now, and it is not good for one's health or mental health.

I had a good friend who works in the public school systems and is bi-polar. She has been hospitalized a number of times for bipolar disorder and uncontrollable behaviors. She also had to take semesters off to regroup. The Americans with Disability Act prevents discrimination. She has close relations with some of her coworkers. Sometimes she feared being treated differently when she returned, but it always seemed to work out okay. My personal opinion is that government agencies, including school systems, are more forgiving than corporate employers. Schools get federal monies, and disability violations jeopardize that.

In short, I don't think you should let fear of how hospitalization will affect you in the FUTURE be a big factor in what you do NOW. The prospect that a depressed person will not make it to the FUTURE is always there. So we have to do whatever it takes NOW to make life livable.

I don't know how to make life worth living for you because I struggle with this question myself. I seem best off if I don't dwell on it too much. Being busy with something I enjoy doing the past two weeks has been so helpful. Butting getting from the place of defeat and immobilization is hell.