Told T I think one of the reasons I hold to my self destructive (abc) is because that is always going to be with me, you're not.
T said - "but you will still have the experience of me within you"

Me - Yeah, but my head only thinks about you one day not being here, and what you're trying to sell me is a memory? An experience? What good is that when you want to see the person?

T - well you don't see your mother, but you still have the experience of having grown up with her, albeit a negative experience.

Me - Yeah but though I divorced her, I still would like to see her.

T - OK but would seeing her change your experience of her?

Me - no, I guess. Not.

T - so whether I'm always here or not, seeing me wouldn't change the experience you have of us already. You are thinking of me not being here in terms of abandonment because that was your experience with your mother

I realised that is true. I could feel the experience the way T put it.
Understand it.