i feel the same

dunno how others seem to manage... dunno how i managed this long...
but i just tell mysef - stop - you have to stop... because my mind will race with bad thoughts, and im sure you can imagine the things that goes through my mind...
so i end up just drinking or drugging to make the thoughts slow down...

i say to myself countless times everyday "what is wrong with me..."
but i have no clue... im just a little broken, well... i guess more like shattered to pieces... but i know i am still human and i am alive... and i feel like i have to keep on... for all of the people that want to live and cant live because of physical issues - complications during birth - or whatever... the babies that didnt make it a day on this planet and stuff...
i try to tell myself its not fair if i just give up.... does that make sense to you..?

its really hard... i feel alot of pain and everything... i do have way too many bad habits... but i just try to numb the pain without making it stop all together...
so that maybe tomorrow i'll have an answer to "what is wrong with me.."

it sucks feeling so empty, broken, lost, alone, weak, pathetic, condemned or tortured, all of those things...
but some how we have survived this long... and i know there are people who would trade places with me just to be able to stay alive... ( i mean if they knew how bad i was maybe not but maybe so, i dunno..)
so i just try to find strength in that stuff... in others that are going through the same thing...
i know it seems impossible ... and seems like cant understand how anyone can have strength through these things... and its completely understandable to lose all faith and hope when experiencing these things... i wouldnt think someone to be human if they experienced all of this and was still joyful and happi.. at peace? i dunno... im sorry if none of my posts make much sense, my mind has been going haywire for a while...

i guess what i mean is, i dunno how im still alive... i dont feel like i have ANY strength left at all to keep fighting... very very weak... disappointed... scared.... i have been telling myself for weeks / months (not sure how long..) to just give up, why wont you just give up stupid *****?
dunno why i dont.... i guess i just want to be strong for everyone else... its not so much for me.... but because i know how it feels and hope if i can survive... maybe i can help someone else be stronger and maybe help them get well too....

i dont have any strength, besides all of you who know what i am going through are my strength... know what i mean...?
hope that makes sense...

i wish i had more solid advice to give you - step by step what to do...
just try to be good to yourself, take care of yourself best you can.. try to limit the bad habits if you can... and replace them with good habits .... but i know how it is...

you are definitely not alone...