Hope this is OK I want to talk about some suicide fears. But want to assure everyone that I am feeling OK and even starting to feel better. Also don't want this to put fears into someone else...

I am aware that some people commit suicide soon after beginning treatment on medication, and I think that in at least some circumstances this might be because in the depth of depression we consider suicide but don't have the energy to act on it. If meds make us begin to feel better, we might have our energy ramp up before the idea that suicide is a solution subsides.

My own experience with depression in the past bears this out as a reasonable idea. During my CURRENT bout with depression, this has been on my mind, I have been in so much pain and struggling to get myself out of bed and to work (failing on many days and just staying in bed instead) and I've realized that while in some ways I could take credit for keeping myself alive in other ways I was simply too lazy/tired/despondent to take any action. Sometimes it feels like a fine line.

After several frustrating months I finally have a therapist who seems to be helping, it may be too early to tell if he can help me but I think just getting into regular therapy sessions with someone who seems like he can help me has given me some strength and some hope and has taken the constant suicidal thoughts away.

This is a huge relief and I don't know if it is temporary, also there are two other factors at play that are helping this; one is some new support from some good friends that I'm sure will continue to be a source of strength for me, the other is a temporary trigger that could turn from positive to negative on a dime.

Where I find myself now is at a point where I am no longer thinking of suicide, but I'm also still sort of protected by the suicidal shelter I've built, but that I will now have to emerge from (I know not immediately, it will be one step at a time) and return to work and face people and still deal with the problems and triggers that brought me here. They all still exist and they are all still very real. I'm still very much aging and alone (my incident with pneumonia yesterday lit that up for me. To be honest I don't think I was safe to drive to the doctor feeling a bit dizzy but there is no one around to help me) and that will continue to be an issue. It was one of my concerns going in to this and it is still a concern.

So today and yesterday I find myself on the edge of emerging from the suicidal darkness of depression and heading straight into panic and fear of how am I going to deal with all of this, all of these things, without the crutch of suicide which was the only thing making it bearable before?

I had to cancel my therapist appointment today because of the pneumonia but hopefully I will be seeing him next week and can discuss this with him. I'm still feeling the intense desire to isolate myself and I don't know how I'll be able to focus and function at work.