Quote:
Originally Posted by just2b
So been trying to figure out if switching for me is involuntary, or voluntary. I cant seem to figure it out. I am aware sometimes I have a thought that is conscious, " I cant take this" or I cant do this right now," something along those lines, but also aware that at times I have a blank mind. And will have no idea why I switched.
It is driving me crazy that I don't know or feel more towards one side.
What would it mean if I was voluntarily switching? First thought is why would I want to miss out on some much time? I also see that maybe the situation was to emotional, okay, if that is the case..i would feel shame and extremely bad ...like its my fault I have this disorder now...or have that kind of thinking.
If involuntarily, then why so often in what I, before switch happens, perceive to be no threat, not emotional, non triggering, etc.. but I vanish and cant remember a thing.
Sometimes I feel there is truly two parts of me that do this kind of dance, and I cant distinguish me from her.
I feel I was present today in session, but as foggy headed as I am right now, I believe that it was not me there, but who Iam I? Am I her, and she me? Does anyone really know? Is it a fight for control of the body for now? Is this a way to divert my attention to the real matter? Have I lost it?
So interested in how others view their own switching? Thoughts?
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if by voluntary you mean i could just decide one moment ok im not going to be amanda anymore I am going to be Rainy now, control who and when and where I switch into each of my alters no. i was not a voluntary switcher.
short version in my location dissociation is an involuntary reaction to a trigger. just like when someone says something that a person doesnt like their involuntary reaction is to feel some level of anger. when someone is having a good time their involuntary reaction is to be happy, excited.
in me what caused me to switch into alters was being triggered and dissociating. sometimes i did not realize I was having my dissociative symptoms and other times I did. Each of my alters has their own sense of agency (what their jobs, purposes, reasons for being created, what caused them to ....take....control of the body away from me and the others....)
for example if i was triggered by rain storms or extremely sad Rainy took control to handle \ take care of those things for me.
voluntary as is choosing when where and how i dissociated into my alters no. my system was involuntary, out of my control.