Dexter! You seem to miss the protection that was in knowing that if things became worse, you could end it all. Something inside of you must have let the suicidal thoughts go away. In some way or other you seem to be ready to fight for a better life and that scares you ...

Is it possible to see this decision as a decision that could be done in a lot of other situations, like going for an exam, entering a boxing ring, starting to do a long swim that you have decided to do or something else that will demand a lot of you?

If so, it's natural to feel some anxiety. The way I see it, we will always feel anxious when we have decided to manage something and at the same time understand that it will be difficult. You have decided to trust that you yourself can be able to make your life better with the support of a T and some friends. You are mature enough to know that you also will react to some triggers. That can of course be frightening in itself ...

Please try to see your anxiety as a natural consequence and find some tools to calm it down. Some sort of relaxation exercises might be of help. Other tools can be to write down the triggers and make a plan for how to cope.

Best wishes!