Hi Big Mama.

OK. So, I read your previous reply lastnight and my mind spun along with the room. Again, we seem to be living the same life.....

Thank you for sharing the book with me, that will be a definite purchase for me. Yes, abusive father, abusive relationships on to where I am now. It came as a shock to me, 2 years ago, to actually look at it all and realize that it was abuse. It really numbed me and crushed me to acknowledge it as what it was, and to speak the words out loud to my counselor. It was also empowering and freeing.... if that makes any sense.

My heart is so sad for what you experienced. I pray that God heals those places in your heart and spirit, and holds you close to His heart. There are some very fragmented images that did come to me. They were too much for my mind to handle. I lifted them up to God and he showed me in my spirit, that he burned them away. They are still there on the outskirts of my mind, but the feelings that were connected to them are gone. I pray he does that for you!

Growing up in an environment as we did, I believe we thought it was the way it was supposed to be. As you said, that was all that we knew. I had no knowledge of how things were supposed to be.

My husband's response to what I have shared with him, has been of no emotion. Sometimes he won't even look at me. To bring something out into the open, that has been hidden for so long, and have it basically "pushed aside as nothing" is devastating to my heart. There is freedom, somehow, in speaking out loud hurtful things that have been "put away" or hidden. To me, it takes the power away from them. I guess what I look for is either compassion or understanding. That is not his gift.

My husband is also VERY OCD, and I have seriously wondered if he had aspergers or if he's bi-polar. It's a crazy rollercoaster ride so much of the time. And like you, I am very sensitive. I have thought that came from growing up in the environment that I did. It's like a radar that is always on. I'm listening to the tone of his voice, watching the muscles on his face, the veins on his neck. I'm watching to see if he's scanning the room for something that needs to be picked up, straightened, dusted, etc. I believe this was a skill I acquired in my childhood. I'm really good at it, but it is extremely trying! If the radar picks up on something that doesn't seem quite right, a part of me jumps in to fix whatever is wrong, if it can't be fixed and the situation escalates, I'm basically out of there. Too much "input" will do the same thing, as well as someone getting too "up in my personal space."

Thank you for sharing what you have learned in T. I can completely relate to each one of them. Maybe I can try to use some of them. I don't do well in intense discussions. I usually dissociate. Maybe if there was a way to feel like I had some control that would calm things down. ? I really don't know how to have a productive argument with someone. Arguments usually mean anger and I don't do that well either. Hopefully, I will learn how to do that. Still learning to say - "Righteous anger is corrective."

Anger, to me, has always meant danger. Automatic response.