Hello. you ask some provocative questions. I can only share what I think. I am not a doc. and what I think comes from my own expereicnes with DID and dissociation.

I lived with DID for many many years. I didnt know what was going on with me for years. I didnt even realize I wasnt there and then was. I was basically living thorugh my alters for a long while.

In time, when I was quite a way along in life, I got a name (DID) for what was wrong with me. To me that was really important because it meant it could be fixed. I could work and change whatever was creating this situation with me.

OVer time I became aware of the others/ alter/s functions. It turned out that some of these alters knew the same people and others didnt. Each alter had her own history based on the memories and things that alters had been prsent for and expereinced. Memory was not shared. Personal hisotry was not shared. There was no choice involved here. My life was being lived in reaction. IT was automatic.

After getting into therapy and after becoming aware of what was going on with me, I was able to get myself together. This involved accepting the memories and experinces of the others/alters/ functions (whatever one wants to call them ) as 'my own.' Gradully my life experiences were gathered up and made my own. With this came my own sense of being present and connected. With this came my sense of self. I was a whole aware person.

At a point in therapy when my memories and expreinces and the feelings attached to them were finally accepted and worked through as mine there was a time that I beleive had I chosen to let go and indulge it I could have fallen back in my awareness and with the others sill partially there , let another step in and take over . I fought hard against this because I felt that if I allowed this to happen I would threaten my ongoing personality integration.

For me, that was the only time in my life I could have made a conscious choice to yield to dissociation. that is my expereince with this. I caution you to worry too much about you being a bad person who is somehow at fault for your experiencing dissociation. This is a defense mechanism and as such it is a reactive thing that is automatic.

Dissociation itself is a common expereince that frequently takes palces when we do something without thinking, such as performing some act our body recognizes and knows and does by heart without a directed conscious choice.

The fact that you who are here do not percive a threat that you react to before you find yourself lost , to me doesnt not mean that there is no threat. Assocaitive triggers are also automatic and occur without our conscious awareness.

Take care and try not to be so hard on yourself. It is hard enough for you that you are expereincing emotional distress and pain without adding to it by blaming youself.

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. If you have to try not to think and analyze everything. I know that ahrd soemtime, but its oaky to let things go for awhile and give your head a rest.