well I decided before I started .. this new T would get everything .. no games, nothing helt back ... as they say the truth and only the truth ...no games no trying to manipulate her ... I asked her two things ... (realizing only a dr can dx) I asked her to help me determine once and for all if I am bp ... and number two ... to keep me alive ...
I told her all I could remember ... answered her questions honestly ... gave her my writings, and some I did recently at 2am ( three pages single spaced...really one long sentance that repeated several ideas ... ), gave her postings I have done here ... showed her my journel ....

her comment ... you have ALL the symptoms ... in her opinion yes I most likely am bp ...and my writings are definitely manic ... she still wants to see my wife , and maybe both of us together ... but she was honest with me .. and said she will probably have to hand me off to another ... that I am needing more than she can provide ...

I am really not sure if that is good or bad .... but I do not intend to give up ... I will go foward any way I need to ... no more changing my meds myself ,, no more lies to my pdoc ... I have already gave up acess to all my guns , knives and pills (except enough for a few days) ... my wife seems to think it's a joke ... hoping this T can show her just how serious this could get ... until I found "soon-kyu" I was just days away from "going home" as they say ... even now when I am feeling so much better I am always looking for options , for a painless guarenteed way ... I don't dwell on it like last last year but I also never completely forget about it either ...

Thanks to all my friends here ... and all the love you have shown me ... and bearing with my "obsessive" ways ...

I will get there ... Tigger .