Hello NeronLighShow: I'm sorry you are struggling. I am also mainly alone. However, in my case, I'm old. So it is easier I would guess. And I also harbor a lot of self hate. I don't know that I have any great suggestions for you. Myself, I follow the self-help practices taught by the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön in her various books. Without these teachings, I'm not sure where I would be. I send warm wishes your way with the hope that you will be able to find your way through your present difficulty to a place of deep inner peace...