being a guy - surrounded by machoism... crying everyday is so demeaning...
no one see's me cry of course, but sometimes i feel like they secretly know... 1-2 times someone has caught me crying... like the first time my sister caught me crying and it just made me break down terrible - you know the sobbing type cry? couldn't breathe or catch my breathe, choking on mucus and blablabla...
dont really feel like a man at all... and honestly dont really feel very human anymore either...
have like 0 self esteem anymore, no confidence...
even though i know i have a lot of reasons to be very confident...
im an intellectual, intelligent, talented, musically inclined, compassionate, pretty good looking... i mean i dont think im a super model - but i know im not ugly.... but in my mind i do seem really ugly... especially with the scars i have now...
trigger
they are all hidden though, as long as i dont take my shirt off.. mostly on my shoulder and under my collar bone... just makes you feel so stupid....
but its something i started doing after thinking about it for a long long long time... just one day i was probably out of my mind loaded or something... and tried it and felt how it felt... to be able to have something real - kinda makes you stop thinking about the fake emotional stuff i guess...
i do not condone self harm - please do not do it EVER....
its a super stupd retarded thing i do because im just an idiot...

then to try to go through the day with a 'mask' on trying to be kind, compassionate, caring, respectful... just gets harder everyday... i love making people happy, its like my favorite thing in the world to do... i love helping people... all i have ever truly wanted in life was for EVERYONE to be happy...
i dont want to hurt anyone any at all, but i feel like i am hurting a lot of people because of these struggles and challenges i face every day....
not able to make jokes or make someone smile because i feel so dead.... not able to help someone because i can barely make myself get out of bed... eat.. shower... or whatever... being drunk or high blablabla...

i hate fake things so much... i have always despised fake people... but i've turned into a huge fake... or so i feel... maybe im not fake and im just trying to protect everyone from whats inside of me because its so damn ugly....
i have to fake the smiles, i try to push out a chuckle from time to time to fit in and make the others around me that are joking around feel comfortable - or atleast make them feel like i dont think they are bloody stupid and hate them or whatever... but its not really a laugh, its just like ... i dunno i guess a small chuckle explains it...

i just dunno what to do but try to fake these things... i have to hide so much - there is no one on this planet that knows all of the things i do...
i feel like such a horrible person.... im so bad... no one would ever want to be around me if they knew whats inside of me... behind the smile and kindness...

i dont know how any girl could ever fall in love with someone like me... feel like if i was a girl and i found these things out about a guy i might have a crush on - id change my number, move, change my name, get far away....
how could any girl be attracted to such madness...? insanity...
not even sure i would want to try to have a relationship because of this...
scared i would just hurt her some how, not physically or emotionally or abuse, but... i dunno... i just dont feel like anyone could deal with me - its hard for me to let anyone close to me ... much less tell them how im feeling... and when you are in a relationship they tend to get to know whats going on inside of you... i guess that just scares me because i feel like they would just run away fast....
im not a bad person, im a really good guy - a gentlemen... southern country boy....
but i have a lot of pain inside of me... i hate to burden anyone...

is it possible to find a girl that can tolerate this...?
like i said i dont take anything out on anyone.... i only take things out on myself... im not abusive to anyone, in any forms... besides myself...
but maybe its no better...

starting to have so much hate... really disliking myself so much...
dont see how i could like myself when i do all of these things to myself...
but i end up doing these things because im lost... i don't know what else to do - i dont want to kill myself and end it all... i just want to survive and be happy... just dont want to live like this anymore....

i just try to numb the pains... just try to make it from one moment to one moment...
but some of the things i do to numb the superficial(?) pain... the pain i have inside... the deeply disturbed torture...
i end up causing real physical pain.... but i justify it by saying - its real pain, this is better... i can see why it hurts, i know it wont hurt for ever, it actually can heal and i can watch it heal... see the progress.... but you have to hide scars... cuts... blood stains and blabla... just the same as the emotional pain...
but it doesnt make it better, i just end up doing it because i dont know what else to do...
it had been a while since i did self harm - maybe a year... im not sure... as my time perception is all messed up... but i started again recently... december or november or something like that... but i started again because im getting so bad... scared if i cant release this stuff some how i accidentally might end it all...

when i don't hurt myself i partake in substances to altar my psychological states...
this doesn't fix things either, just makes me want to stay completely loaded out of my mind... because it does make me forget about some things, give some moments of relief... and i wont cut...
i really dont like drugs... its a love hate thing.... i just try to get by you know...? i just want this to stop... i just wish i could have a real life....

i am extremely careful with all of these habits because like i said i dont want to die.... i really dont.... i just dont want to live like this anymore....
would like to be happy... but its so hard to see how that could ever be possible now... so i just try to make it impossible for me to think about the future... have to try to blank out the past because of all the stupid **** i have done and has happened to me...
i think most of my mind has been repressed so severely... im scared of developing Dissociative identity disorder... i dont know much about that disorder or how it manifests it self... but i feel my psyche is being ripped into pieces and categorized... separating things and repressing things...
if i develop more psychological problems i dont know how im going to live with it....

before when i was younger i had fantasies... dreams... things i thought i could achieve, things i thought could help improve my life and give me a chance at being happy... having a fulfilling life... to be able to help others find happiness and purpose in their life as well...
but i guess these were just fantasy.... something that is impossible for me to achieve... i'll never ever ever be able to do that and im trying so hard to just accept it....

but past 10 years (atleast) i have just been losing it all... i feel so broken i dont know how it can be repaired... i have not been diagnosed with any type of dissociation... but i feel like i have a problem with dissociation.... maybe i dont fully understand what is dissociation... but my mind is so... divided... i have so little memories and it seems as time goes on i only get more black holes in my memory...
all of these things have been going on to some extent since i was .. well due to my memory its really hard to remember... i know i was walking... but i know i was not older than 5 years old... maybe back then i just had a little anxiety and the ADHD... but then the ptsd came really quickly - repeatedly multiple different traumas... and then the anxiety ramped up greatly... and i became severely depressed by the age 13... probably before 13 but i always say 13 because thats when i started realizing something wasnt right with me... like really really realizing that something was wrong... i started to self medicate at 13... sigh.... what a life....

years are completely blank... i cant remember what day of the week it is nearly every day, i am just giving up on a subconscious level i think...

i know alot of doctors try to pin things on the substance abuse, but quite frankly i really would of killed myself before age 14 if i didnt start to self medicate...

i am so complex and complicated... nothing makes sense... its like everything is trying to contradict everything i think... i have absolutely no power anymore... i am very confused.... i just wish i could understand....
i dont blame anyone for my traumas - besides my step brother for trying to kill me all those times but he's psychopathic schizo bipolar - so i guess he really doesnt understand the implications of his actions... but im still really disturbed because of some of those things... you just cant forget it.... even if the person doesnt realize what they are doing is wrong....
the rest of the traumas were just... physical child abuse.. sexual abuse(by male family member)... falling out of a huge tree and probably almost dieing... of course i passed out halfway down on the trip to the ground... after trying to grab the tree and stabbing myself pretty deeply with a broken limb... i dont remember hitting the ground, just remember a flash of my little brother trying to carry me into the house to mom and then i remember laying on the table and looking down at my stomach where i had been stabbed with the limb and saw so much blood i just fainted again... i was 4 years old or so when that happen too... ( yes we were monkeys and did alot of stupid stuff like climbing trees we shouldnt of )
and i know this is a complex trauma because i was placed in foster care due to what the courts said was neglect... i was in the foster care for a couple years or so i dont really remember any of that time... but my dad worked hard and fought the courts to get us back so we were able to go home...
by that time dad had changed a lot and mom had split - she wasn't living at home with him anymore... and i think i had some time of attachment thing with mom so it messed with my head hard being put in foster care and then returning to realize they were not together anymore...
of course there is more but im just not gonna go into anymore... writing too much....

i dont know why my mind is doing this.... maybe i have yet another un-diagnosed disorder that is doing this.... causing me to blank out....

does PTSD cause this type of thing with memory..? dissociation or anything...? too severe anxiety and depression?
why cant i remember.... i remember alot of traumas, so why can i remember some things and have so much missing...? i should have 26 years of memories but i feel like i have maybe a weeks worth of memories... if that...
i have had brief moments of de-realization... but its not an occurrence that happens frequently... maybe has happened to me 4-6 times total... give or take...

im just scared of whats happening to me.... its getting worse... and i dont know how to handle any of it, handle what i was dealing with before - much less how to handle something even worse....

i just wanna be normal.... just dont want all of these challenges.... dont want to be so damn miserable you know...

i dunno whats wrong with me... i really have no bloody clue what my problem is...

could hypnotherapy pull this stuff out...?
im just scared that if they put me under hypnosis some scary stuff would happen... like i start talking in a demonic voice or i just start speaking a different language or... you know who knows... could hypnosis even work on someone with my severe condition...? using drugs and alcohol and stufff..?

if i did do hypnotherapy i would need a witness - but it have to be someone i really trust because i know theres some ****ed up **** in my mind and i dont want anyone to really see it... so could the session be video taped maybe..?

im just out of options... im so ... so tired....

feel like i've just... i dunno it just really feels like the end of the road....

god i hate being sober....
i had 1 beer and 1 klonopin a couple hours ago... dont have anything else besides some antipsychotics... zyprexa20mg - seroquel 400mg - topamax... but i dont know if they would make me feel better if i take one... i know the seroquel would make me sleep - i never really felt anything off of the zyprexa so i dunno if that would do anything... and the topamax i haven't really taken very much so i dunno....

i am responsible and extremely careful when it comes to putting anything into my body... i have always disliked medications like that, but out of desperation i have been trying to work with them... so i know better than to mix certain medications, i know how to look up drug interactions and how to be safe with any kind of substance consume...

so i dunno why the doc just wont lemme get some valium.... i just want it to help so i wont drink so much, maybe it can help stop the urge to self harm too... and honestly i jjust want it till april - till my court date and see if i can get these SSDI stuff benifits or whatever - the insurance is all im caring about because i need psychiatric help... but i am left in the desert with no help right now because my GP doesn't feel comfortable giving me anything but the wellbutrin...
maybe if i call her a few times and tell her that this anxiety stuff is really hurting me could you please consider writing a script for klonopin or valium for me... maybe she would re-consider it?
i just have a problem with continuing to bring something up when she says 1 thing... last time she said we'll just try to let the wellbutrin get in your system and see what happens from there - which is a completely open statement to any kind of interpretation.... they have klonopin on my drug histery list and the nurse even asked if i needed refills for it last time i went in and i said yes please if i can and she said ok great the doc will be in with you in a minute - but when doc came in she just avoided it completely....

im not looking to get high... like i said before i dont like getting high so much... its not the buzz im looking for... its just the release... the relief... the little bit of peace i can have briefly while the medication is working...

i just hate this so much.... why cant we have a better mental health care system....

i just dont know what to do.... and here i go again - starting to cry - so im just going to shut up... well, i wrote a long message anyway so its time to stop writing anyway....

sorry if this is all stupid - i know how stupid it sounds to me....
just thought i would try to write a little because i have been sober all day today until couple hours ago when someone brought 1 beer and 1 klonopin to me... and now im not high or drunk or anything - it was just something... something better than nothing...

is there anyway to get in with a psychiatrist with a plan to pay him back in the future with a payment plan? so i can go start seeing this pdoc now and when i get to april - hopefully win the disability case... to get the insurance and money to pay whatever i owe...?

is there anyway i can get any kind of emergency psychiatric care temporarilly? to get me started on meds that maybe my GP could keep me on until april...?

im trying so hard... im just getting so tired of trying for something that seems so bloody impossible...

sorry about this ridiculous post...
if anyone reads it, thanks...
if anyone has advice, am grateful...

gonna go stare at the wall now....
take care..... thanks for the support and all....
ignore any stupid things i said - im just having a hard time thinking clearly anymore... i try to becareful what i say and try not to say too much but sometimes i know i mess up...

sorry...