As my husband sleeps snoring next to me I can't help but wonder what his life would be like without me. It is 3:00 in the morning here and I always seem to be awake having thoughts of harming myself around this time. Problem is, everything I would use to end it is either locked in a safe or has been removed from the house, my husband and his trying to make our house a safe place for me. But it doesn't matter, I want to die. I know it is wrong to take your life, according to religion, but I just can't help but feel the world would be a better place without me.

Torn. I am torn. I want to die but I can't stop thinking about what it would do to my husband. That doesn't make me want to live, but it makes me not end it. Will I ever stop feeling this way? Will I ever stop being this train wreck? Will I ever feel that my life is worth living?