I mentioned to T how when I have walked away from people for whatever reason. I'm then tormented with wanting to go back to them. It's like a push-pull thing. Have I done the right thing type of thinking.
I said how I envy people that make a decision to walk away (for whatever reason) and don't look back. I feel compelled to look back.

T said, that's the fantasy you have around your birth mother - did she battle over giving you up. Did she then regret giving you up want you back - that's what you are acting out.

I was aware I lists wondered if she thought about me. But want aware until we spoke about this, that I was actually acting my longings out.

Best to be aware, can understand better for myself now, what that push -pull thing is about.