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Originally Posted by ciderguy
Do you ever think that you may reach a point where you've served your sentence and your punishment is complete? When I'm in a more than usual rational state of mind, I've thought of that. The possibility. I've tried, time and time again, to seek forgiveness (or something similar) from my primary victims but I've never had a reply, no calls are answered. If my victims won't even acknowledge me, who am I to reduce my sentence?
My 'new' pastor and confessor correctly identifies the scrupulousity in my confessions and assigns me pitifully simple penance. Unlike our 'old' pastor (who I love dearly) the new guy doesn't know my full background, only that I have mental issues but not any background.
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I know right - I've tried to get advice of what to do or ask the people I hurt, and can't get any response.
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Can you point to specific actions or behaviors that made you feel evil? Have you consciously hurt others? I suppose those are a couple of questions that I had to answer before knowing that I deserved to be tried for my crimes.
I'm going to continue following this thread. I am curious to know what you've actually done that is evil (if you're willing to post that) and if you've given any thought to the "length" of your sentence.
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Sure: Most of my crimes are against my mother. I'm horrifically entitled and have been most of my life. I've stolen enough to put me in prison; I lived at home for two years after dropping out of school without paying rent, then actually complained about things like having my laptop constantly taken away and rarely being able to be alone. Despite having no right to a life of my own (that's what I've thought could be a sentence: move back in and give my entire life to being my mother's 'slave'. Do whatever she says, be whatever she wants, let her do whatever she wants to me whenever she wants, like I should have growing up. Except she doesn't want me around anymore, so that won't work).
Then it gets even worse: I ran away. And got on welfare. Intentionally. I thought I would only be on for a month or two, then I could get a crappy job and a crappy apartment and figure to what the hell I want to do while my life. Instead, it's been nine months and I will be welfare trash for the rest of my life. There's nothing that can erase that I'm so entitled, I'm stealing from the government when I deserve to die in the street. Hell, I had no right to run away, no right to try and live in any sort of comfort (shelter, food, etc), I should have just stayed home and killed myself, or whatever would have happened if I couldn't leave home. Because I'm too weak to deal with frustration or depression (depression is a weakness, btw. Most mental illness is. I've realized that only recently.)
I'm also apparently cruel to people without meaning to, I use people, I'm narcissistic, and I'm a lazy failure. Someone mentioned in another thread here the notion of justifying one's existence. I agree completely: I'm useless and if I continue to be such, I should die. So far I have been nothing but a menace to society and a sick, bloated leech destroying everything she encounters (no really...I've broken stuff by sheer carelessness).
So that's about it. Damn, this got long.