I'm so very lost and confused. I'm in love with my now ex boyfriend. Quick rundown, I reacquainted with him after many years of lost communication. We grew up together. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first real crush. Anyhow, we started talking again. My life was just not going so great. I had a job I hated, roommates that didn't pay their way, a town I lived in for 24 years and always hated. And here comes my ♘ in shining armor. I could be free of the garbage and start over fresh. I quit my job, said goodbye to my family and friends, and moved to a new state. Never once concidering the ramifications of my hasty decision. I was drinking close to a fifth of whiskey a day at the time. I also was not in a good place with my bipolar disorder, which I have finally accepted is real. I got here and everything came crashing down around me. I had never been away from my family in 40 years. I Was surrounded by his children that at the time did not approve of me because their parents had recently divorced, I finally got my divorce that I put off for 16 years so I would never make that mistake again, but I felt my man didn't want me. He was always on his tablet. So I kept on drinking. When I felt brave enough I would tell him I was going back to my family because he didn't want me. He finally had enough of it and told me it was over between us. He still loved me but he realized that after his divorce he should have realized he wasn't relationship material. I was to go back home. My family got a plane ticket the closet it came time to leave and I actually stayed packing my things to come back later to get, I kept having panic attacks. I completely shut off, if it wasn't for the fact that I didn't want him finding me, I wouldn't be here today. I ended up in the psychiatric hospital for over 2 weeks. Apparently most people are out within a week. But when I was at the regular hospital he showed up in tears seriously broken thinking he caused me to be there. I explained to him that it was a long time in the making, and had nothing to do with him aside from the fact that I messed that up too. That I finally had someone good and I destroyed it again. He told me when I go back to "home" I would heal. I told him to leave. He visited me everyday in the P.H. and I kept trying to tell him all I wanted was him. They released me, and at first things were ok. He still wouldn't be with me, but we were still friends. He allows me to have the bedroom and he sleeps on the couch. He stated isolating from me again, and spending less and less time at home and when he was home very little time on his tablet. I'm so very lost and confused, because now that I'm getting better, I initiate a lot of the interaction that goes on between us, and he still does things for me that make me really confused. I want to try again to tell him how I feel, almost beg him to give me another chance. I never intended to go back to my family, and even if he refuses to take me back, I plan on staying here. Not in his home he so generously allows me to stay in, but this city. I'm just scared if I tell him he will shut down from me again. I am so lost and don't know what to do because I really do love him. And want him everyday. Just thinking about him gives me butterflies seeing him gives me a swarm. So we don't spend much time in eachothers presence. I thought writing this would help but it's just made me more confused