Justy, you are under and EXTREMELY huge load of stress right now. You are going to have si urges and you're going to want to restrict your food, and have suicidal thoughts- you are going to be fighting these things a lot for a while because this is how you have learned to cope. Knowing in advance that you are susceptible to this can help you out. If you know that you need to watch yourself more lately, then you can avoid doing these things much easier.

What I think you need to do is to develop a crisis plan. Maybe your T can help you out with this, too. Outline what you are to do in a crisis- when you are wanting to si or do more, these are the steps you will take FIRST. Be very specific and list the things that you will try. Include things that could help to relieve your stress on that list. Make a committment to yourself, and maybe even a contract with your T, that you will do these things before you will allow yourself to consider si. Generally these plans contain a list of about 5 steps to coping with a crisis. You can add more if you need to, but I would not do any less than 5.

One good thing about this is if you determine the steps in your plan, it gives you something to control and it gives you a chance to plan out your actions & reactions purposefully. This helps you take charge of your recovery and be a very active part of determining how you will heal yourself. Also, if you work this out in while your mind is clearer, when the thoughts of si are there, they will be a little easier to resist, knowing that you have a crisis plan in place that you need to stick to. (And if the plan doesn't work, you can consult your T for ideas of how to amend it and make it more helpful for you). Another good thing about it is that sometimes when we exhaust all the steps we are supposed to take before si, by the time we have done this, we sometimes change our minds about si.

Give it a try, would you?

Be safe, sweetheart. *hugs*

Angela