I have been dealing with this for 22 years. Our anniversary is in June. But at the moment we are separated. I had enough. I could no longer walk around totally dissociated and crying, and afraid. I couldn't face him every day not knowing what to expect. I knew what to expect. To be yelled at, to be told I wasn't good enough and made to feel bad because he couldn't be what I needed. I was depressed. I slept most of the day and all night. I was awake maybe 6 hours out of every 24 hours. I gained a lot of weight. My BP was sky high.

I had to do something. With the help of my T, I was able to escape him. His OCD took a huge tole on our relationship the crazy things I had to do. Pick up dirty gravel out of the driveway, wash the mud off the grass, get the water spots off the floors, so many things it was jsut crazy. Since being gone I actually stay awake like a normal person. I have lost 25 lbs, and my BP is down 40 points.

Now people think I am crazy, and sometimes I wonder if I am crazy to, and unfortunately this insanity is all I have ever known. I am planning to go back to my husband. I am working on my stuff. My T always said you cannot work on your traumas and overcome your trauma while u are living in trauma. She is so right. I have come further in 6 months then I have in 3 years. (my H and I have been seperated for 6 months) My T has said she will not allow my kids to remain in that environment. If I go back she will call child protective services. She has said though that she will help me, and she will help my H. If she sees the necessary improvements in both of us on our own stuff and then each other in how we relate to each other. She will OK us getting back together. She will not call child protective services under that condition. I agreed. I obviously make poor decisions, ex. by staying in this mess for 22 years. If these conditions are met, and my H and I continue to see her for the next 6 mo to a year to make sure things are good she will not call child protective services.

I want to go back, and I knwo that is the sick part. But you love who ya love. I wholly believe you can;t change who you love. Apparently no amount of abuse can change that. Some of us still love our abusive parents, our abusive mates, and our neglectful friends.

I am telling you this because this is working for me. IT has helped my H change his tune, it has helped me progress threw my stuff more quickly and we are still able to keep our marriage in tact. It is jsut a how ever long it may take break so we can both work on things. There is the understanding that we will get back together. Just this week we changed T to me seeing the T alone once a week, and my H and I see the T together once a week. And every few weeks the T sees just him on our day that we would see her togehter. I told the T I was terrified to start seeing her jointly, because I was so afraid of myself and so insecure, I didn't want to give up seeing her alone. She told me I could see her alone as long as I needed to. Even if it is a full year into after I return home to my H. Infact she would rather it be that way because I am so nervous and afraid that she can keep an eye one me threw this and make sure I am not afraid to say something is not going right because he is setting right there.

I fully believe I will get threw this, and we will get threw this. God would not have allowed my H and I to marry if he thought we woudl divorce. God doesn't plan for folks to get divorced. This is the last straw though. I believe you will get threw your crap to, and if not God will provide yu a way to handle your issues as well.