thanks...

im not really looking for some magic answer...
i know there really isn't one though, im just trying to learn to live with these... challenges....

its funny - because the girl told me the same thing, i should see myself the way others see me - but other people see what i show them... ya know?

im a horrible person... im just a really compasionate... well... im intune with both feminine and masculine sides of myself - or something liek tat.... mi not really sure how to explain myself...

its just that i know if people could see through me (if that makes sense?) then they would not want anything to do with me... not because i hate everyone on the inside - but because i care so much.... i care so much more about other people than i care about myself, because im so damaged i know that itsnear mposible for me to be ok...

i mean... i dont like lloooking at myself in th mirror you know..?
i mean ... i know im not ugly... i may be really good looking, but my self esteem is null... i dont have confidence in those things at all... because of what is inside of me

demons.... i am a demon.... but im an angel, im just trapped not able to escape....
im trying to shard to fixc heverything.... i trying so hard to make everything try to startmoving forward....

you are right , since i was able to walk i would try to do what i can for other people...
4 years old i wake up in the morning early and make coffee and peanut butter sandwhich for mom....
and i would do those things all the time... i just dont remember alot of things....
i dont remember anything.... i remember bad things..... i dont want to remember what i remember... i want to remember the other things, i know there had to be something happy for me to remember... i just want to change memorys....

i know i need therapy, its just not easy for me to talk about these things because i get confused... i lose my place.. i cant remember things....
even when i feel comfortable with the therapist i just.... i want to tell everything, but its a floodgate and i dont know how to let it trickle through so i find myself not really saying as much as i want to avoid meltdowm,....
i cant cry in front of anyone... if i start to get too overwhelmed my mind starts to do really strange things... like my personality might just change completely just to get through the session and end up saying different things, things i didnt even want to talk about or need to talk about, things that are stupid and dont matter...

im afraid of my mind so much.... im so afraid ogmyself....

im a good guy... i just suffer a lot....
i try hard all the time to be the best i can be without letting my pain hurt anyone....

im just having such a hard time... my best friend.. my ex... she was my best friend... and i loved her so much... and we had a connection that i just cant explain with words.... she felt.... she was.... she was part of me.... she was the only person that i ever met that i talked to the way i dod... she made me think differently about myself....

but the whole future plans and everything i dreamed ouf with hre is gone and it will never happen....

and she is still kind to me - she says she cares and loves me on a level beyond - but seems like tome she just pushing me away to try to avoid any complicatedions...
i barely ever get to talk to her anymore and it urts me ... i know i cant marry her - but she was my best friend and i need her... why cant she understand...? why cant shje just make her self a little more available to talk just for a few minutes to help methrough a realy bad time.... im not asking for a relationship or anything anything... i just want her to be my fridn.....

bleg... i dunno why she makes me feel so much better... but she is.... with all of her problems and faults... errors and mistakes... the best friend i have mvery had....

when we were in a relationship we would talk... so much you would not believe it....
about everything, there was never a moment we werent talking... we just had everything to talk about... and there was never not something we wanted to talk about.... i dunno if that makes sense...
we would spend hours .... sometimes we would just talk all day.... sometimes spend just days talking to each other and spending time together....

but its okver.... thats over... i know its not gonna be like that - but she is stillml my friend right?
dont feel like she treating me like a friend....

buyt i am rambling.... im off topic... that stuff is rubbish....

since she has been gone i;ve turned so far far far worse....
and i dont blame it on her, its not her fault!!! im just a stupid idiot thats really bloody broken...
and being away from her is just making it so much worse....

jealiayeat.....
well.... i mea i just dont see anything good in myself anymore... sure i act kind and i treat others with respect and i dont lie and im loyal and honest and i just... i would semm like the person you would think not exist....
but im just acting those things... i really feel those things, i want to do that....
but on the inside whenile im doing all of this.... my insides are burning... im on fire... i am being mutilated.... my head is being twisted in degrees around my nceck....
i dnno how i can live like this....

i felm like im living 2 lives.....
i have the person i am - the person i try to be - the person i awnts to be....
they are al soo not the saem.....

the person i am is a really tortured soul... i feel so much pain its hard to hide it.... and when someone ask if im ok, i have to saiy im fine yeah how you doing?

the person i try to be is just compasionate, caring... loving... understand.ing....
everyone desrves to be heard and treatined like a huiman being....

the person i want yo be is happy... have a life - a reall liefe.... someting that isnt about drugs... but something that is real .... ito have a family.... loving family of my own.... a future.... i just want a future.....

but i am a horrible person.... how can i be good person when imlike this....
how can i have any of that....

i dont talk about what i been through ever... im just hveing a bad time.... i dont know what else to do....

just wish that girl would come spend some time just to talk... she just had a way to make me feel sobeter..... to mak me feel needed and wanted....

she told me her self that any girl could give me the same feelings... same attention....
but she is just special to me.... i know itsretarded... it doesnt make any sense.... i know its just stupid and im idot....
but i really loved her so much.... and even thokg we cant get marieed and have the future we taklked about... i just want her friend ship....
i kn ow alot of times people say y that thinking they cam make the relationship wrok and get back to gether nda be happy ever after...

im dont want to manipulate anything... rturlly honestly sincerely just want her to be my friend... she means alot... i mean i still love hre, but i can just live with that... im used to pain, i dunno - i gvmve up im blody drunk and shouldnt be writing anyway :S

can barely reead....
sory about talking aboust stupid **** like ex girlfrined .... love... blah... what a jokec.....