Dear MC,
Pretty sure today was the first time you've seen me have a full-blown panic attack in front of you (though it's happened in front of T many times, and I've been panicking before while on the phone with you). I wanted to just run screaming from the room today. When you suggested the three of us walk outside in the courtyard instead of just me stepping out for a bit, I was unsure. But walking around with you (and H) really helped. I think walking and not looking directly at you or H helped me be able to talk about some stuff. It ended up being a pretty productive session, and I was calm by the last third of it.

And thanks for responding to my e-mail tonight when I suggested that maybe my e-mail about transference two weeks ago before your vacation may have been part of why I was so anxious with you today (even though you responded positively to that). I know it was a brief response tonight, but it showed me you were reading and that you care.

I have to wonder if part of the panic was also from not seeing you for like 2.5 weeks, which is the longest I've gone without seeing you in quite a while, and then being kind of overwhelmed with my feelings upon seeing you. Like I just wanted to hug you or something (but was OK with the usual handshake). I wanted to be like, "I missed you so much!" but I couldn't say that. I wanted to ask how the trip with your daughter had gone, but I couldn't. Certainly not after that whole paternal transference e-mail. I wanted to ask why you'd had to cancel Monday, but I didn't want to pry.

I think really, I was just overwhelmed with so many emotions, plus the stresses of the past few weeks--most of which we talked about, but not all--and my feeling bad for saying certain things about H, and wanting to say things to you--and just be there with you--was just all too much for me today. Thanks for keeping me from running out of there, though. Or, maybe more accurately, thanks for running out of there with me (and H, too).

It would be nice if we could do some more appointments in the courtyard like that--glad you said we could do so in the future (why did you never suggest that before?). It felt more like we were just people talking than necessarily T and clients. It was kind of funny though how at first it was like you and I were walking together and H was separate, just because you and I are like a foot shorter than H, so our strides were different from his. It's like we were in sync. But then you said H and I should walk together (which made H have to make awkward steps), while you went ahead. Which made sense. But it would have been nice if we all three could have walked together (with me in the middle, of course...)

But, yeah, thanks for today, the session and the e-mail, and hope we get to have our regular session Monday.
Love,
LT