i think it is because i deserve it because i am a horrible person and because i havent managed to do all the things the others in my head have asked cause they told me if i do them it will stop but they cant hold off the bad things forever so it will keep getting worse until i have done everything. they arent making it happen something else is but i dont know how to explain the thing that is making it happen but they are trying to help. i just need to try harder.