I was told the hippocampus in my brain stopped putting a timecode on the memory of trauma. That is why I remember it as a present event instead of a past event. The cortisol in saliva, tear compostition, adrenals, actual physical size of the hippocampus , etc all change during original trauma event and also during a flashback. That made me feel a little better about it, so I hope it helps you too. I am not "cured" but I feel better understanding why it is this way. I have to remove myself from the emotions (It's not really happening- it is a memory) and "timecode" it (That was then this is now) consciously to self-calm. Your brain is okay... it is trying to process those memories and because survival is so important the danger signals are still being sent (to protect you although it feels so crazy, it is to protect you) It seems that 1 of 3 people who experience trauma develop ptsd.

I want mine to go away too. We can support each other when they don't go away. Thanks for sharing your struggles and dreams; that was brave, trusting, and honest.

PS one of my triggers is a color: I do better avoiding my response now that I figured that out. (I get very angry very quickly when I see that color... now I know it is not the current situation or new person "doing it" but a trigger response... other people it could be a smell... cigars, etc)